#4. Qualifications

In business school, one is forced to interact with many different people, who have various backgrounds, levels of integrity, work ethics, and blood alcohol levels. Business Students must therefore be able to size someone up quickly to determine if they should be put into the weekend party friend group, the homework group member list, the most likely to give me a job later when I'm a miserable business school failure list, or the might make me look good on the golf course list.

Therefore, Qualifications, known outside the business school world as "stereotypes," are an important tool for sorting the myriad acquaintances the Business Student makes at school.

Instead of a detailed explanation, which Business Students hate, here are a few examples of how Business Students use Qualifications

Example #1. Undergraduate Institution
NCAA Division I: Make friends with this person so they will invite you to Las Vegas for spring break. May or may not be serious about academics, but is definitely serious about hosting your bachelor party.
Ivy League: This person is mysteriously calm during recruiting season because they already have eighteen job offers. Angle to be sure this person can do your homework while you are interviewing.
Unrecognized: This person did not get into business school based on their undergraduate college, so they are either wicked smart, or have performed a Seemingly Impossible Physical Achievement.

Example #2. Previous Employer
Consulting Company or Investment Bank: This person is the quintessential Business Student. They are not paying their own tuition, and they should have a lot of money in the bank. Conclusion: business school is a necessary step in this person's career, but they are probably not taking it too seriously. If you play your cards right, you can end up with a lot of free drinks courtesy of this person.
Industry Job: This person came to business school to advance or change their career, and are likely to be laser-focused on this task. However, this person is highly influence-able because of the broad new horizons they will experience at business school. The result is that they will do your homework while you are drinking with the former I-Banker.
Nonprofit, Government, or Education: Watch out for these people. They are here to sabotage your education by asking you to explain the definition of Net Present Value until you eventually just give them the answers to the homework and then get nailed for an honor code violation (thus freeing up an extra interview slot). You can successfully fend these people off by wearing right-wing political apparel, and by making statements about how (sustainability, corporate responsibility, social enterprise, etc.) is a bunch of BS and will never be a viable business. If you make such a statement and need to repair your relationship with one of these people for a group assignment in the future, try making conspicuous use of the recycling bin.

There are several more types of qualifications that Business Students use to stereotype you, including the type of smartphone and/or laptop you use, whether your dress shirts are tailored or not, and your international travel experience (bonus points for traveling on someone else's dime). Business Students inevitably combine these qualifications to come up with an "Acquaintance Value Added (AVA)" score for each person. To ease the burden on students of making these judgments, some business schools are considering making Business Students prominently display a predetermined AVA score at all times during the first semester.

#3. Seemingly Impossible Physical Achievements

Every good Business Student knows that he must be a well-rounded person in order to succeed in life. Being well-rounded is not optional, it is a critical component of the Business Student's professional development.

The easiest way for the Business Student to become well-rounded is to perform a Seemingly Impossible Physical Achievement (SIPA). The most common of these is running a marathon. In six easy months, the Business Student can settle once and for all that he is an ideal physical specimen and a very well-rounded individual. After finishing a marathon, the Student can note this SIPA on his resume and never run another step. The world of recruiters and colleagues who have not accomplished the same SIPA will be forever impressed at the well-roundedness of this Student.

Of course, running a marathon is not the only SIPA that settles the well-roundedness question. Other common SIPAs include climbing mountains (extra points for well-known difficult climbs, especially Everest), competing in triathlons, and earning black belts in various martial arts. The successful Business Student will of course choose a SIPA that has a clear terminal accomplishment that can never be negated or disputed (actually finishing that marathon or earning that black belt).

Prospective Business Students should note that not all physical achievements make one a well-rounded professional, but only Seemingly Impossible ones. For example, playing on a championship team or being on one's undergrad soccer squad does not make one well-rounded. SIPAs are typically individual achievements that may in fact be much less difficult than the effort required to be a member of a sports team. However, athleticism and actual well-roundedness is not the point. Accomplishment is, and the easiest way to appear accomplished is to complete something that sounds difficult and hope that nobody is the wiser.

Some Business Students are so athletically uninclined that even one SIPA is too much to ask. These Students often pursue alternative well-rounded activities. The key thing for these Students to remember is that the alternative must have a clear end goal that will impress others because it seems difficult to achieve. Being an author is not enough, one must have penned a best seller. Being in a band is not enough, but having a Billboard hit record is. This is why most Business Students choose SIPAs to complete their well-roundedness. Running a marathon is much easier than producing a hit record.

Much like pretending to read The Journal, the SIPA is an important factor in becoming a good Business Student, so SBSL recommends investing in companies that support SIPAs (like makers of running shoes and mountain climbing equipment), as these companies will have a significant customer base for years to come.

#2. The Wall Street Journal

Business Students are having a completely illicit affair with the Wall Street Journal. The sign that a relationship has either gotten really serious or has gone completely off the rails of sanity is when two people come up with pet names for each other. Business students simply call this paper The Journal.

The saddest thing about this affair is that most business students don't actually read The Journal. They simply read the column of short headlines at the left, and the "cultural interest" story below the fold. Yet, News Corp. continues to collect subscription fees and advertising revenues from willing victims who believe the relationship is mutually beneficial. In reality, The Journal, or, Journal, The, as it may be known by your friendly neighborhood b-school librarian, is just another accessory that helps the business student fill out their professional appearance. Paired with a Rolex watch or the Apple iPhone "Stocks" Application, the business student can convince those around him that he cares what's going on in the rest of the world, which buys him some time to find a short article he can discuss with the recruiter after this evening's corporate presentation. The Journal also enables the business student to avoid real news, such as the latest obesity study or what happens in Twilight.

So the next time you see a business student with The Journal tucked under his arm, rest assured that he could just as easily be sporting smoke in one hand and mirrors in the other. For a quick laugh, ask him the title of section C (Money and Investing - which he does not know because he is too busy "investing" in his education) or section D (Personal Journal - which covers such non-business topics as sports and relationships; the best business students don't care about these. He probably absent-mindedly passed this section over to his friend in the other graduate school, if he has any).

#1. More

Every business student loves to think about more. Many of them came to business school to earn more money, drink more beer, or learn more about Judaism. The business schools, to their credit, easily capitalize on the business student’s natural desire for more. They charge more tuition, more fees, assign more homework, and make students more miserable than almost any other academic institution.

It doesn’t stop there. Students are asked to make companies more profit, more revenue, more efficient, more sustainable, and more socially responsible. Everyone knows we need to get more market share, more economies of scale, more return on investment, and more brand awareness.

Do business students actually know how to get more of all these things? Of course not! That is difficult work and is better left to the subordinates of the world. Business students don’t want to actually work, they want to “set a vision,” “define a strategy,” and, “check their email.” That’s why business students love more. It’s code for, “I don’t actually know how to solve your problem, but I would love to play golf with you as long as you pay.”

Other business student code words that mean roughly the same thing are: strategy, marketing campaign, and consultant.